Wednesday, April 02, 2003

hellooooooo....

well i guess this is a pretty good way of getting my thots out...this will be an online journal of my "wonderful life"
of my daily thots, struggles, triumphs, God happenings and all the retarded things i do that make me the total
dork that i am. ;oP hey.. God is still good and He somehow uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.
i'm definitely in tha category of foolish. God is an interesting God...somehow He uses broken, beat up, dysfunctional
guys like myself to actually have the priveledge to serve Him, know Him and at the same time get to kno myself better.

i've made alot of mistakes in life. and at the age of 22 i realize i'm going to make a lot more. i'm realizing more and more
its ok to be not ok because God is somehow OK with me not being ok ;oP does that make sense? have patience..
i tend to write before i think. i just kinda write and write and write and later i'm like..dang i just wrote 10 pages of nonsense?

more and more i'm realizing i am who i am. God made me who i am, i'm not perfect and that's okay. because in my imperfection
i realize how much more i need to find my affirmation and approval and perfection from God. its a fight i tell ya. daily its a battle
to find my identity in Him. to find my total satisfaction grounded in His affections toward me. its tuff. its hard when you want
people to approve you and you wonder why people don't respond to you the way you want them to. to be a God pleaser
and not a man pleaser..dats one battle i'm going to be facing for the rest of my life. to surrender and die to myself. how does that happen?

man..if i told you everything God put me thru today i wouldn't kno where to start. how about i sense the Lord is telling me again
to lay down some more isaacs...to let go of the past...to press on towards the goal of being content only in Him. sighh....
so away w/ the tv shows...away with the rap album...away w/ reaching millions...away w/ finding my identity in nething else but Him.
yeah..i tink i died again today. i tink i'll need to die everyday until i can be that "whole" person GOd is calling me to be.
how i want to be that man of God..man do i want to be that man of God...who knos God and knos himself..who is secure
in God's view of Him..who knows his purpose and is not in need of nething else but friendship with God. everything else flows from
there.

i'm realizing more and more how immature i am. how much i need to grow. how much i don't know and how much i need to learn.
i've got a looooooooooooooooooong way before i'm going to be ready for my destiny. what is God doing in my life right now? beats me..
so many roads in front of me..which one to choose? a? b? or c? i tink i'll choose d (all of the above) but the sucky thing is you can't...
was i born to be multi-tasked? maybe i'm not normal..most people are focused...i have like a gazillion passions...
insecurity is another thing...grrrr...gotta beat this mountain. gotta learn to have self control and patience. to give people their space
and to learn to be a better friend.

so yeah..i want to be that braveheart..i want to die for the Cross...i want to live my life and really live..not for myself ..but at the end
of my time on earth hear Jesus say..."i'm proud of you son" i'm a long way off...my foundation is not close to being done ..just pray for
me that God's will will be done in my life. i'm not perfect remember? neither are you i guess..that's why were on this journey to discover our existence together...Lord teach me how to be a better friend, to listen to others, not to only think of myself, to enjoy the mundane,
to be content with wat today has to offer, to dream Your dreams, to know Your heart, to understand other peoples hurt, to empathize with their pain, to rejoice and be glad, to deny myself and take up the Cross. to live this life as a sacrifice on the altar. nething and neone you give me on this earth is a gift. you can give it to me and you can take it away. i wont' argue. my life doesn't belong to me it belongs to You. my heart is for revival..i'll die for it...you died for it...so i want to follow in Daddy's footsteps..but first let me find revival in my own heart...make me more like You..please Lord make me more like You. in Jesus name. amen.

2 Comments:

At 10/01/2007 08:48:00 PM , Anonymous Some1 said...

don't worry i see how God have moved you through this few yrs. well i do feel like that right now lol. But i know God uses what we give Him :)May God's presence be with you always. I pray that the coming Training in Boston be a blessing to many.In Jesus Name Amen :) c on 28th Nov :P I

 
At 11/14/2008 04:37:00 PM , OpenID er1cax said...

Hello. I just wanted to say that this entry inspires me very much. I couldn't help but laugh a little when I first read this entry of yours because it's exactly how I am feeling now. Several things that you wrote about such as wanting to be that man(woman for me) of God, wanting to take up the cross, putting away with reaching millions, finding identity in things that are not God, and even having a heart for revival are all things that I am feeling now. But, seeing how much you've grown since this entry encourages and inspires me tremendously because I know God will pull me through for me as well. So, thank you very much and God bless.

 

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