Thursday, August 31, 2006

Back from Taiwan....3:55am I'm back from a round the world trip. London>India>Hong Kong>Taiwan>LA......

It is 3:55am in the morning and I just got done watching "Shawshank Redemption" and "Sassy Girl" yes...the Korean chick flick. What is wrong with me? Anyways, both movies were touching in their own ways & yes...I cried "again" somehow I seem to cry easily in movies. Shawshank...mmm...too powerful of a movie I don't have words to describe. Sassy Girl..haha..wish life could be that coincidental~it was sweet tho :P

This last mission trip was..."a trip" straight up. It started out horrible & ended up wonderful :) God knows how to surprise you for sure. Maybe I'll write more on it later. As of now...I'm on melatonin but it doesn't seem to be totally working. Tis...the reason why I am typing a bunch of non sense at 3:58am in the morning. Lord have mercy...I'm retarded. hmmmmm....I am now standing in front of 3 months of nothingness... :) it shall be good times. word up. nite or should i say morning?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

YOPP: Story Behind the Vision

Year of Partnered Prayer- The Story Behind the Movement!
Saturday (7/15/06) – Wendy Andrews from 24-7 Prayer USA based out of Kansas City was speaking in the afternoon session about the red moon rising in our generation, which is prophesied in Joel 2:28-31 “And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people…The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord.” She was speaking about these being the last days when 24/7 prayer is being unleashed in this generation of a movement of persevering and powerful pray-ers. She began to share how the Lord had revealed to her that the universities of our nation can be likened to gardens, and the very action of gardening was likened to discipling/caring for/pastoring people. The gardens are college campuses that need to be planted and cultivated in order to bring forth beauty from the land to both protect and keep the spiritual land. We see in Genesis 2:15 God’s commission to Adam and Eve to “cultivate and to keep” the garden, and in this we are commanded to watch over, to guard, to protect the land that we’re given. She shared that it is not an easy job to watch over a garden - it needs to be constantly watered and tended to. The Lord revealed to her that it is specifically through prayer that we can watch over this land on campuses that is so easily ravished by outside sources that come to steal, kill and destroy, and she called us to 24-7 prayer specifically. The Lord also revealed to her that these gardens, our universities, are given by the Father only to His sons and daughters as an inheritance: Galatians 4:7 ‘now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir.’ As heirs, we are to take action by assuming our position before the Father as sons and daughters and by claiming our inheritance, keeping watch over it with prayer.

Lou Engle soon came up to join Wendy and he spoke in relation to this call for 24-hour prayer. Lou described how university campuses have become a ‘paradise lost’, and that he believes the Lord wants to reclaim the paradise that’s been lost in the gardens of our universities. The university has also become a breeding ground for humanism, which teaches that everything we need can be found on our own apart from God – and so our gardens which are actually our universities have become corrupted in a way. Lou shared that there is actually a garden on campus at UCSD, which is a literal picture of the corrupted garden of Eden. Jaeson Ma then stated the fact that the first 108 universities of America were founded on the Word of God and were established as Bible colleges to send forth missionaries. We were to reclaim the college campuses lost through our spiritual weapon of prayer. Soon Jaeson and Lou led us to Snakehead at UCSD to pray a proclamation of defeat over the enemy and the victory of our God. As we were walking over towards Snake Path to pray, there happened to be a Chicano heritage group doing a cultural heritage dance at that very moment. We literally felt an oppressive atmosphere. Deanna Sick, a student from Pt. Loma Nazarene University, asked a group member what they were doing and what it was about, and they responded that they were celebrating a certain Chicano historian whose works were being put into the library. When asked who the dancers were, the person said they were calling on the spirits of their gods for a blessing. Jaeson Ma remarked later that when we were walking by, he saw in the spirit a bird with a golden head coming up in the haze of their incense. As he began to explain this, we realized that he was seeing the UCSD mascot, the Sungod. There is actually a statue of the Sungod on campus, and UCSD hosts an annual Sungod Festival celebrating one of the most lawless, humanistic, drunken days on campus. The Sungod statue in the middle of Sungod lawn at UCSD is exactly as Jaeson described it, an eagle with wings open wide, crowned with a golden head.

As we walked down the Snake Path, we began to pray for God to break down strongholds on UCSD and that of other campuses across the nation. Once we got to the bottom of Snake Path, someone had a word that the scales of the snake were like protection against anything trying to knock down its strongholds of darkness, and that we were to come against this force with the Holy Spirit. We began proclaiming the defeat of the enemy and the victory of Christ through the blood of the Lamb over the campus.

Wendy Andrews had the idea to parallel her message from earlier that each of us begin to plant bean seeds, which she had with her, into the ground in the garden as a physical picture of reclaiming the territory. Each seed was to represent a university in America, and we were asking God to reclaim and redeem every university in our nation, starting with 24/7 prayer. It was the idea to sacrifice the land to God, planting seeds of victory that will become trees both now and in many future generations to sprout up and overtake the campus. We were declaring not only victory but our inheritance from the Lord. He says, “Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possession.” (Ps. 2:8) Everyone took some beans and began praying and planting as we walked up the Snakepath. At the top of the garden, with hearts of prayer, Lou began to share with us the actual significance and symbolism of Snakehead and of Geisel library, which sits at the top of the garden.

The design of Snake Path was designed by an artist by the name of Alexis Smith. The 560-foot-long path lies right beneath Geisel Library and significantly, is actually a representation of the conflict between innocence and knowledge in not only the Bible but in Milton’s Paradise Lost. There is a Garden of Eden along the path at UCSD and the snake that makes up Snakepath weaves through it, leading up the hill to the library. Lou spoke about a 15-year-old girl who had a prophetic dream about seeing a house, with “The Whos” written over it like a banner. She walked up to the attic of a house and found a particular series of 7 ancient books that are going to be important for the future. This series was Dr. Seuss’ children’s novels. Geisel Library actually has stored in it the collection of all but one of Dr. Seuss’ original books. The library is named after Dr. Seuss (Theodore Geisel), after his widow donated money to the fund. Dr. Seuss is known as the author for many children’s book stories and is author of one story in particular, called “Horton Hears a Who!” The book itself has high spiritual significance to Lou and the Justice House of Prayer in Washington D.C. regarding anti-abortion issues, though we cannot know whether the author himself meant to include unborn babies in his story on defending the defenseless.

In “Horton Hears a Who!”, Horton the elephant, who possesses huge sensitive ears, hears the cry of the small Whos living on a clover leaf in Whoville. The sour kangaroos and other animals are trying to do away with the Whos, thinking they don’t think exist because they can’t be seen. Throughout the tale, Horton expends great energy in saving the Whos and he says, “A person’s a person no matter how small.” In the end, Horton gets the Whos to join their voices to each other and cry out so that the kangaroos hear them and let them live. One Who is found who is shirking his duty and not joining in - it is the smallest of them all, and when he finally counts his voice and joins in, he saves the whole town of Whoville. Lou reminded us that it is our job to pray for even the littlest to have a voice in order to be heard because it is through prayer and the voice of the little ones that breakthrough in ending abortion would come. The girl who had the prophetic dream is now writing a book for young children with an anti-abortion theme to it.

Symbolically, Lou Engle pointed out that Snakehead (the top of Snake Path) points toward the statue of Dr. Suess, suggesting a spiritual battle between the force of a university’s stronghold of death humanistic ideology versus Theodore Geisel and all that represents life.

The library was physically constructed and symbolically represents the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil – it represents false ideologies and false knowledge sprouting from universities nationwide, feeding unhealthiness to the mentality of our nation. Symbolically, the very same month that the second brick-sized piece of cement fell off Geisel Library (November 5, 2005) was the month that the U.S. Supreme Court began to fall apart in Washington D.C. (November 28, 2005 The first brick-sized piece of concrete fell off Geisel Library a year prior on November 8, 2004. At the U.S. Supreme Court, a chunk of marble from its west pediment fell, after a prolonged period of prayer and fasting on its steps (JHOP, Pertaining to both of these structures having pieces fall off, Lou made a prophetic connection of a breaking of ideological strongholds on this university and others as well.

As Lou shared about “Horton Hears a Who!”, he said that the smallest Who of them all cried out, “YOPP!” when he joined his voice in with the other Whos. Wendy recognized that to the 24-7 Prayer movement, a YOP is a Year of Prayer, and she suggested that perhaps God is calling for a Year of Prayer on college campuses in America, as the form that our collective voice will take as we cry out to God for mercy on universities. It deliberately had not been Wendy’s intention to call us to a year of prayer during the conference, but the course of events and the prompting of the Holy Spirit brought it out of her. God made it very clear that through Lou’s recounting of “Horton Hears a Who!”, the 15-year-old girl’s dream of finding the Dr. Seuss series, and Wendy’s message on seed planting that we were being called to a year of 24/7 prayer across colleges and universities, to pray fiercely for revival across college campuses. (I took out the “to end abortion worldwide” part – instead of only praying against abortion, it seemed throughout the weekend that the Lord desires a spirit of adoption to fall on college students. The part we know for sure is the revival on campuses part.) The word was proclaimed and we grasped it, praying in agreement. The plan, brought through 24/7 prayer rooms on colleges nationwide, through students zealously seeking the heart of God, is a nonstop one year plan to call for an uncompromising revolutionary college revival movement that will change history and generations to come on this earth. Jaeson prayed for new wine to be poured out when we were gathered at the top of the walkway. A girl pointed out that three thousand were saved at Pentecost and that similarly, there are approximately three thousand universities and colleges in America. We prayed into that. There was also a large emphasis and many prayers lifted up for a new student missions movement to be birthed from this gathering. Lou made a point that Daniel and his three friends were called to be set apart even among all the wise men of Babylon, and likewise, university students are being called to set their lives apart with a lifestyle of prayer and fasting and a “not blending in with society” mentality. Many declarations, praises, and prayers were lifted up to the Lord as the heavens were opened right there on top of snakehead at UCSD and we called for His glory to fall in that place.

For a few years, Jaeson had already been predicting and prophesying that God would raise up 24/7 prayer rooms at universities, to bring in simple churches and to unite leadership on campuses. The Lord, during the initial planning stages for the CTN gathering, revealed to Jaeson that the conference was to be held at UCSD. Jaeson had a prophetic dream one night where Dutch Sheets handed him a book with blank white pages in it - except for two - pages. On one end of the book, there was a picture of students with red LIFE tape covering their mouth, signifying the ending of abortion, etched into the book in black and white. The picture looked like it was a newspaper clipping that was historic. On the other end he saw sea cliffs and mighty ocean waves crashing into the sea cliffs. The waves were powerful but peaceful. Jaeson sensed these were waves signifying revival. The scene then changed and Jaeson was standing in front of a bay of deep blue water and on the other side of the water was a brown-colored building with many windows. He was standing with Jeremy Story on the edge of the cliffs with waves crashing onto the cliffs and the place they needed to get to was on the other side of the water. Jeremy wanted both of them to dive in but Jaeson was reluctant to at first. Jeremy did dive in first. When Jaeson saw Jeremy jumping in, he followed suit. The next day after the dream, Jaeson sent a summary of the dream to Jeremy Story and Dutch Sheets thinking it had some significance pertaining to college revival. (Earlier that year Dutch Sheets had given a prophetic word stating that this would be the year the youth movement would explode and universities would be impacted: UCLA, USC, UT, and Yale).

Interestingly, a few days after the dream, Peter Gent sent Jaeson an email inviting the conference to be held at UCSD, and he included a link for UCSD conference centers in the email. Jaeson didn’t look at it, but forwarded the link to Jeremy Story. Minutes later Jeremy sends Jaeson back an email asking Jaeson if he looked at the UCSD conference center link because the pictures of the conference center resembled exactly what he saw in the dream (UCSD is located next to the famous San Diego Sea Cliffs and has large brown conference center buildings with large windows). Through this confirmation they knew they were to hold the CTN National Leadership Gathering at UCSD. The full reason was not revealed till the afternoon encounter with Wendy Andrews, Lou Engle and the revelation to reclaim the university campuses of America through the rising up of 24-7 campus houses of prayer.

YOPP: What is it?

Year Of Partnered Prayer

YOPP: A year of 24-7 prayer at U.S. Universities & Colleges

During the Spring of 2006, nearly 70 different colleges and universities throughout the USA participated in an unbroken semester of 24-7 prayer! From Wellesley College in Boston and Lubbock Christian University in Texas, to the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities and the University of California-Berkeley, students nationwide stepped into an experience with God in prayer that accumulated into something unprecedented in our history!

In July of 2006, 75 university student leaders gathered together at the University of California-San Diego for a conference, called the CTN (Campus Transformation Network) Gathering. Leaders from Campus Church Network, Campus Renewal Ministries, and 24-7 Prayer USA facilitated this gathering, and God met us in a unique and powerful way – specifically about this coming year.

The Lord spoke through a Dr. Seuss book called Horton Hears a Who concerning His desire for a Year of Partnered Prayer on campuses in the United States, starting this Fall semester. In the book, Horton – an elephant – convinces a miniscule town of people called the Whos that they all must join their voices together and cry out, so that they be saved from destruction by some devilish kangaroos. The Whos come together and they let out their cries, but it’s not quite enough…they realize that there must be a Who who’s shirking his duty, who’s not joining his voice in with the others! They find a silent, small, seemingly insignificant Who, they exhort him to come to the aid of his country, and he lets out a “YOPP!” that puts it all over the edge! The Whos are saved, and each Who finds that no matter how small he is, he counts.

To the global 24-7 Prayer movement, a YOPP is a Year of Partnered Prayer. In a YOPP, different communities are linked together, each doing a short season of 24-7 prayer, to cover the entire year in prayer. At this CTN Gathering, God clearly called university students across this nation to join our voices together, in the collective form of a Year of Partnered Prayer on campuses! From August 2006 through May 2007, you are invited to bring students at your school into this cooperative cry out to God.

From our positions as sons and daughters of the Father, God is commissioning us to keep watch over our universities, to call for the Kingdom of God to be advanced and for revival to come – and He’s highlighting 24-7 prayer as a first step in this. Through us, and starting in the place of intensified prayer, God wants to re-claim and redeem every university in the USA.

Do you believe that God will awaken the hearts of university students, faculty, and staff across this nation to a revelation of Jesus Christ? Do you believe that God’s will is to revive and transform every campus in the U.S.? Step into these questions in prayer, and see what He says to you. We believe the answer is a resounding “YES!”, and that He wants to use little people like us in great and mighty ways to do just that! Let’s start in prayer. Join the YOPP!

Check out to read about this global movement of 24-7 prayer, and visit to sign your school up to participate in the YOPP! For more information on the question of “How?”, read the following document: “YOPP: How do we get involved?”

Monday, August 14, 2006

What happened @ CTN National Leadership Gathering?

Many of you have asked what happened at the CTN National Leadership Gathering? It will take a few blogs to explain the historic encounter we had in those 3 days of gathering. One thing was, we all felt and knew we were in the midst of God and a part of revival history in the making. Below is a general summary of what we came away with from the leadership gathering in an email sent to those who were there. In the next few blogs I will post what we are launching this fall semester on college campuses across America. A vision to see ONE YEAR of PARTNERED PRAYER (YOPP) over every university and college in America 24-7 non-stop until revival breaks out in our nation once again! We will be updating our site to support this growing movement of 24-7 campus houses of prayer (CHOP) being established on every college campus. This is only the beginning of a "new awakening" in our nation.

Last semester we witnessed over 70+ major universities all across America pray 24-7 on their campuses non-stop for a whole semester. Now we are believing for ONE YEAR of 24-7 prayer to cover the whole school year (wait till you hear the prophetic story behind this YOPP vision...crazy!). Revival begins with humilty and prayer. We are only at the beginning point, but the point is about to TIP and we will see the fullness of God's glory invade our nations educational institutions once again.

A year ago I posted the key will be "24-7 CHOP + Campus Church Planting" It is now happening before our eyes. Students are praying non-stop and students are realizing they are not just "fellowship Christians" but missionaries on campus called to win souls, make disciples and plant simple churches among the lost. Let us pray, prepare and be ready for action. Prayer leads to action. May another student missionary movement begin. Students who pray like it all depends on God & live like it all depends on them. Pray for revival, pray for the ending of abortion, pray for justice in the nations, & seek to save the lost. The harvest is plentiful, therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into the college campuses of our nation now...once again! Luke 10:2b

Dear CTN Leaders,

Praise God! This past weekends CTN National Leadership Gathering was definitely a historic gathering. Only God could have orchestrated the chain of divine events and encounters. As a CTN leadership team we want to thank you for participating and being a part of college revival history. As we move forward from this weekends gathering let us press on to be obedient to the prophetic word & heavenly vision released by the Holy Spirit to us as a community. It was awesome to worship and be envisioned together with other student leaders who had the same passion for campus revival! Also, as CTN grows as a spiritual family & network of campus transformation agents we need to together this summer prepare for the coming school year through prayer & fasting both individually and corporately. It is imperative that we seek God’s face in order to hear His voice clearly at this moment of divine invitation over our nation’s colleges.

Let us pray and plan into the prophetic word and apostolic vision released during the CTN National Leadership Gathering…

1. Year Of Partnered Prayer (YOPP) – Through a divine prophetic encounter during the leadership gathering we believe God together for one year of unbroken 24-7 prayer over the universities of America. Please begin to pray into how your campus and other college campuses can be mobilized to adopt a week, month or more in 24-7 prayer to cover this nations universities in revival prayer.

2. Campus Transformation Network Vision – Neil Cole received a clear apostolic/prophetic vision on Sunday night for CTN as a movement. Pray over the following points below and let us move forward together as Joel’s army.

Here is what I expect to see in the next couple years… (Neil Cole)

• New songs will be written that express the heart and voice unique to this movement. A book of songs will be published in the next year and a half. Prophets and teachers will write the bulk of the songs. Songs will be free to the masses and passed electronically spreading the heart and voice of this unique movement without boundaries…freely you received and freely you will give.

• A magazine (printed, electronic or both) will be published and it will carry the stories of what God is doing and also the apostolic/prophetic voice of the movement.

• A national conference will meet every year and double each time in size for the next ten years. It will meet in different campuses around the country. Each campus where they meet will see breakthroughs so the conference will be sought by many. The Spirit will tell you each year where you are to meet.

• All these works will be easy because the Spirit will hand select those who are to do the work and these people will have been waiting their whole life for the opportunity.

• This movement will not form a single organization or denomination, but many, all carrying the same DNA and all working together in interdependence… blessing one another, never in competition, always in unity.

• Old wineskin ministries will be blessed by this movement but will not carry the movement.

• This movement will be marked by transformed lives and will grow from new life coming from the harvest.

• Prayer will continue before the throne of God 24/7 in the same spirit of the Moravians.

• A new missionary movement will be birthed sending many missionaries out, but this will be a true Student “Volunteer” Movement, in that these missionaries will be sent into the various domains of society to work there and be the Daniels, Sharachs’ Meshac’s and Abednegos of our world. They will work for the Lord of the harvest and they will get their support from him through their work…a laborer is worthy of his wage. These missionaries will not do their work for money but for Jesus.

• This movement is not about the campuses, it will start there but it will not stop there. This move of God will not just touch the campuses of our world, but bring the blessing of God’s kingdom and His command to all the domains of society. New creative arts will emerge glorifying God, new discoveries in technology and medicine will come from the people of God. There will not just be a rise in spirituality but in understanding and in wisdom of our entire society because of what God is birthing here.

• Millions of lives will be saved in seen and unseen ways by the people of this movement. Terrorists will be saved before destruction is afflicted, diseases will be healed and also cured, wars will be ended, abortion will eventually end because the hearts of fathers and mothers will return to their children…this is a movement of doves and peacemakers.

• The first breakouts besides UCLA, USC, U of T, and Yale will be seen at CSULB, UCSD, ASU, OSU, Florida State, Princeton, CAL,…and Harvard. Within a few years every campus will be effected by this movement.

• The enemy will not know what to do with you. Your only head will be Jesus, your only desire will be Jesus, your only provider will be Jesus. When the enemy strikes it will multiply the advance for the Kingdom. This new generation of Kingdom agents will show the church and the world what it means to be willing to die for Christ. Satan, out of sheer frustration over what to do, and just because of his own nature, will start killing students, this will only fan the flame to greater heights.

As a CTN community we are on mission together to see the Great Commandment and Great Commission fulfilled in our generation. Many of you expressed the desire to continue to network together to support one another in the three areas of campus transformation: connecting leaders, mobilizing prayer and planting simple churches. Attached is the contact information of every student & staff leader present at this years CTN National Leadership Gathering. We encourage each of you to stay in touch and support one another through prayer, sharing testimonies and hanging out with one another when possible.

Lastly, the mp3 recordings for each main session will be available for download at soon so be sure to check the site! Also, DVD’s of the training sessions will also be available once edited and created.

If you are looking for more ministry resources from the speakers at the gathering check out…

Neil Cole (
George Otis Jr. (
Lou Engle (
Wendy Andrews (
Jeremy Story (
Jaeson Ma (

We are encouraged and excited for what God has in store for this movement of campus transformation. Please pray and keep open your summer dates as we seek God for next years CTN National Leadership Gathering. Keep praying, spread the vision for transformation and let us reclaim the college campuses of our nation back to God!


CTN National Leadership Team

Friday, August 04, 2006

A Transformation of My Heart

From Slavery to Sonship – My encounter at Singing Waters, Canada

Aug 2, 2006

Dear family & friends,

It is only when we come to the end of ourselves that life begins to happen.

These past two weeks in Orangeville, Canada have deeply changed my perspective on life & the understanding of who I am. Before coming, God had already begun to bring me to the end of myself earlier in June. I had traveled to Australia to attend a Hill-song conference with my family and friends from Hong Kong. I went to the conference already burnt out from ministry, frustrated and ready to thrown in the towel. During the conference God spoke to me in a clear simple theme from each speaker, "the Christian walk is a marathon and not a sprint." Every main speaker somehow spoke about their own journey of reaching "burn out" in the ministry and how God got them out of it. From Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, Reinhardt Bonnke, Frank Damazio, Jentzen Franklin to Louie Giglio they all shared about the need to truly understand what it means to live in God's grace. I knew God was speaking to me about "slowing down" and learning to truly understand what it meant to live in His power and not my own. Coming back to California I was awakened to my need, but still without understanding of how to go about fixing it.

When I got back to California I had to coordinate our national leadership gathering for our ministry. God moved in power, but I was still running on the last bit of fuel I had in me to lead. I was desperate. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually I was completely drained from giving out in ministry. It had come to a point where I was at the end of my rope and if God didn't do a miracle I couldn't see how I could go on as "Jaeson Ma" the campus revivalist the public had come to know. I wanted to hide, tell the world I'm not who you think I am and hang up my hat. I felt like a hypocrite because I had been preaching a message of intimacy with God, yet I had lost my own intimacy with the Father from being so busy these past few years of itinerant ministry. Not only this, but I was struggling with my own issues of loneliness, temptation, rejection, pride and the fear of failure. I knew the enemy was trying to take me out for good. Honestly, I was scared and feeling as though there was no hope. I knew God loved me, but I didn't love myself.

In a desperate plea, I came to a ministry center called "Singing Waters" two weeks ago. A few friends of mine had told me how this ministry had radically changed their lives and restored their relationship with God. Even though my schedule & responsibilities would not allow me to take a break, I didn't care, it was either breakthrough or complete burn out. By faith, I bought a plane ticket and signed up for two summer courses they were offering at Singing Waters called, "The Father's Love & Transformation of the Heart." Taking these two courses was probably the best decision I have ever made, next to my decision to become born again. In a way, I seriously feel born again "again". These two weeks in Canada have changed my life forever.

In a nutshell, the ministry helped me understand how the Father sees me, how I am to see myself and to know who I am in the Father. Trust me, I've been through every inner healing and deliverance ministry, read all the books, ministered this type of ministry myself, preached on the Father's heart and our identity in Christ, but for so many years, it was mainly information and not revelation in my heart. After what I've experienced these past two weeks I can honestly & humbly say that the love of the Father is beginning to become revelation and not just head knowledge. I'm finally getting it…a little bit!

I want to cry because I can't express in words what I have experienced and am experiencing at this moment. There is joy in my heart, true joy, a joy that comes from deep down inside. It is secure, it is safe, it is peaceful and it is not contrived. I feel like the last 7 years of my born again experience was living a lie. Not that God is a liar, for it is impossible for Him to lie, but that I had believed a lie. I believed that "Jaeson Ma" had to perform for God, for others and for himself. I thought my heart intentions in ministry were for God's purposes, but deep down in my subconscious I was living my life not for God, but mostly for myself & out of fear. God is so gracious though, even in our immaturity He will bless us. His loves never changes for us. He is faithful even when we are faithless.

Good Things vs. the Best Thing

In my immaturity God still brought purpose to my life & blessed me with so many "good things" as His child. He gave me salvation, His presence, a sense of destiny, divine favor, spiritual gifts, prophetic encounters, revival breakthroughs on campuses and even a worldwide ministry. But what good is it to gain the whole world but forfeit your soul? You see, I valued God for what He could give me, but I didn't value God for who He was and what He desired most, to be my Father & friend.

Sometimes God gives us what we want to show us what we really need. God gave me "Christian" success because this is what I wanted. I thought it could earn His acceptance and I thought if I was successful in the Christian world's eyes I could accept myself. Yet, what good is it to do miracles, prophesy, have faith to move mountains & even have passion to be martyred for Christ if you do not have love? Many times we get caught up with the "good things" and forget the very "best thing." Friendship with God is most precious, but somehow I know it, but don't live it.

At the end of the day, I realized through my time in Canada that the reason why I was burning out, a workaholic, driven by the ministry, etc was because ultimately I saw myself as a failure. I saw myself as a slave, a servant, desperately trying daily to be more holy, more anointed, more this or more that in my own human strength to please God, others and myself. I was a people pleaser and a "me" pleaser. It was impossible to say "no" to ministry invitations or the demands of people wanting me to serve them with my gifts because I was deep down afraid they would not love me if I didn't say "yes". So I had to keep giving and giving, but you can only give so much. I was no longer serving God, but I was serving ministry because I was afraid of being rejected if I told people no. I strove for perfection in all things, because I was afraid what others would think of me if I failed.

My ministry became my identity. It was about what I did and how I did it for God. The weight of the ministry was on my shoulders daily because I had set upon myself a standard of perfection. I felt so tired everyday because in my mind I was obligated to keep up this public Christian leader persona, this image of impeccability and perfect holiness. I had traded grace for law, freedom for religion. I was overly responsible- a control freak with a messiah complex that said, "It all depends on "me" or else all will crumble." I thought I was indispensable, but I now know I'm not. Not even close. There is nothing I can do to add to God's work.

The more I failed in my own expectations that I put on myself the more I felt like I was a loser, I didn't have what it takes, and I wouldn't be able to finish the race God had called me to. This sent me into daily battles of depression, loneliness, fear and pain. I felt it was up to me to make it happen. How wrong I was.

Transformation of the Heart

At Singing Waters through the "Transformation of the Heart" teaching I began to understand how the different influences in life have shaped who I am and how I see myself. These influencers were my parents, authority figures, Asian culture, intimate relationships, generational lines, & life experiences. Each shaped my understanding of myself & through them I came to the conclusion that I was a spiritual failure in life. I thought I had to work and perform for others in order to prove that I was not a failure. Yet, I kept failing in my performance and this led me to shame.

Shame = there is something wrong with me, the wrongness of being, the focus is on yourself, I have to do something to make something right with me

It was not that I didn't believe that God loved me, liked me and desired relationship with me no matter how many times I failed. I knew God loved me no matter what. My problem wasn't with God, my problem was with myself. I didn't like "Jaeson Ma" and who I had become. I couldn't stand myself when I failed, gave into temptation, or was rejected by others. There was a deep seated root of rejection from my childhood that believed in the lie that in order to not feel rejected I had to prove myself, earn love, earn acceptance and show the world "Jaeson is special and loveable." This mentality didn't change after I got saved it carried into the ministry and all my relationships. I had a need to be needed because it gave me value. Therefore, ministry became my identity because it served my need to be significant and honored by others.

In my heart I really did love God, want to help people, desired revival, but it was motivated mainly out of a fear of rejection and not out of love. I felt I had to bring about revival, if not, I was a failure.

Through the course I learned I had formed some ungodly self-belief systems…

* I am a spiritual failure
* I don't have what it takes
* No one will really love me outside of my gifting
* There is nothing wrong with God, there is something wrong with me

These self beliefs formed my core identity. In which I believed that at the end of the day "Jaeson was a failure." In order to prove that I wasn't a failure I had to perform and work harder but this is no use when you already believe you are a failure, you have already lost the battle. I kept trying to maintain a false self-image (the super image) that said Jaeson must be: perfect, holy, successful, competent, intellectual, honorable, mature, faithful, in control, dependable, a good leader, provider, have it all together, always full of faith and never show weakness. The list could go on. The point is I could not maintain that "super-image" because when you aim for perfection, you will always come short. Therefore when I failed, I rejected myself and then believed others would reject me also. This threw me into bouts of self-hatred, feeling like a failure, a hypocrite, depression, bitterness and loneliness. With the ministry moving so fast and my public persona becoming more and more widespread, I was perfectly set up for failure.

So how did it all change?

Encountering the Truth of Who I Am

It changed when I encountered the truth of who I was. It changed when I realized why I am here? It changed when I saw how God saw me and I began to see it myself.

A breakthrough happened when I had my personal ministry appointment with the trained counselors during one of the afternoons. They helped me identify all my false self-belief systems and why I was experiencing the pain I was experiencing. It finally hit home when they asked me to ask the Holy Spirit to show me how I saw myself.

I saw a picture of a teenage boy chained to the corner of a room. He was malnourished, full of fear and completely tormented. It was painful to see. The boy was a slave locked up in a horrible prison.

Later, the counselors asked me to ask Holy Spirit how He saw me. As I asked the Holy Spirit to show me His view of me the first picture I saw was a cartoon baby, it looked like "little Jack Jack" from the movie "Incredibles" and he had his fist up to the sky like superman! I was shocked to see this picture. At that moment I knew what God was saying to me.

"Jaeson, you are not a slave, you are my son, you are not a failure & you have what it takes!"

One of the counselors then asked me, "Jaeson lets go back to the picture of the enslaved boy. If there was someone in the room trying to hurt him what would you do? I said, "I would knock him out!" The counselor asked why? I responded, "Because it's not fair, he can't defend himself and it's not his fault."

I then realized this is what Jesus would do for me…if I would let Him. We prayed and Jesus set me free. Like, free for real. Something at that point in me shifted, changed, transformed, I don't know how to explain it, but there was a freedom from shame and a hope for the future.

Living from Approval & Not for Approval

There is so much more to share. I learned so much, encountered so much, and was graced with so much. I've been listening to one of the teachings on the Father's Love nearly every morning. It's so awesome! I'm beginning to understand what it means to no longer be a slave, but a son. That there is nothing I can do to gain God's approval. There is nothing I can do to add to God's work. Our value has nothing to do with what we can do for Him, but our value is based upon what Jesus did for us. I failed and exchanged report cards with Jesus. He got all my F's and I got all His A's! He got what my deeds deserved, death on a cross. I got what His deeds deserved, to be seated with Christ in heavenly places.

I will no longer live for approval, but from approval. Ministry will no longer be my identity, my identity is in Christ. I'm not an apostle, I'm not a prophet I am a son! I am not a human doing, I am a human being! I am, therefore I do, not the other way around! I am free to be me and I can't fail because I have been accepted by my heavenly Father since the day I was born. I no longer have to be afraid of missing God's will or feeling like I have to make it happen. I can rest. I can truly rest in His sovereignty. I am learning that…

"Whether I take a nap or raise the dead…the pay is the same!" Bob Jones

I'm all smiles right now. Why? Because God values (honors, highly esteems, blesses, favors) me with the same value He placed on His Son Jesus. I am highly favored.

"I have given them the glory that you gave Me that they may be one as we are One!" John 17:22

Whoa. That is a radical statement! God loves me with the same love He loved Jesus with. That is mind boggling. I am a son of God and so are you His beloved son & daughter! We are His children created to receive the Father's love and to give it away. This is what life is all about.

Be like a Child & Remember to Remain Vulnerable

It's funny, but recently God has been speaking to me a lot through movies. In the last months I have watched a few films with the same theme or message. The movies were, Over the Hedge, Cars, Click, The Kid, and a few others that basically reminded me that life is not about how successful one is, how much work one gets accomplished, how much we perform, or how many titles we hold, but it's about "relationships." Life is about having fun & remaining vulnerable like children. It's about intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God and others. It's about trust and it's about enjoying life while giving away joy to all those around you. Sometimes in life we need to "slow down" or we will miss the true blessings. What are those blessings? It's your family, it's your friends it's the things that really matter.

I made some of the best friends in only two weeks at Singing Waters. When I first got there I was freaking out because more than half of the people there for the summer courses were from Taiwan & China…and they all knew me because I had preached at their churches! I was like, "oh God get me out of here!" ahaha…but as I let down my guard, became vulnerable and like a child again, I had the most fun one could ever have. I'll never forget them. They truly understood me, accepted me in my brokenness and loved me for who I am. I met Daisy, goodness, this is the funniest warm hearted gal I've ever met! Her fun loving spirit really inspired me to become like a child again. I met Roberto, a sarcastic, funny old man from Switzerland that taught me how to joke and not be so serious. There were many others, the point being, it was one memorable experience with a community I'll never forget. Which reminded me of what life is all about…family.

When I got to "Singing Waters" I told God in my journal, "I need a miracle or I don't think I'm going to make it." I really didn't think it would happen, but it did. God is faithful & I am in awe! The day before I left the leadership prayed me off with a blessing. One of them prophesied, "Jaeson today you become a son, JAE-SON, see it is in your name. You are no longer a servant, but a son and God's unstoppable blessings will be yours, for you are His, your name means "healer" for as you are healed you will heal many in your generation."

My 11:11 Purpose

Just before I left, I felt led to ask the workshop speaker to speak a blessing over me. They were teaching on the "Power of Blessing" and how words affect our lives even before our birth. I realized that when I was born, I was not only rejected by being almost aborted, but my name in Chinese was fought over by my parents. The middle character "cheng" had two meanings. My father wanted the "cheng" that was a political power word, because he wanted me to be a politician or one mighty in the world. My mother wanted "cheng" which was a word for "upright" or one who would walk in righteousness because she wanted me to become a minister for the Lord. At that moment I realized that for years I have been trying to live up to both my parent's expectations and was caught in trying to perform at both. But then I heard God saying to me, "You don't have to be either, you only have to be my son!" Those words set me free to be me. I was now ready to receive a blessing and the workshop speaker spoke the Aaronic blessing over my life.

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upone you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

I received it gladly and something special, peaceful was deposited in my spirit.

Lastly, as I was receiving the spoken blessing in His presence I remembered two special verses that came to my mind.

"After he had said this, he went on to tell them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up." John 11:11

"But after three and a half days a breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet, and terror struck those who saw them." Revelation 11:11

I was born on 11:11:1980. I always wondered why? During my time in Singing Waters the Holy Spirit not only showed me who I was, but also why I am here. I am called to be a "son of awakening" I felt a sudden conviction deep in my heart as the Holy Spirit reminded me of my 11:11 calling. It was His will that I be a voice to "awaken" this generation not only to God's power and purposes, but now into sonship. Let it be so Lord, let it be so according to Your will.

Preparing for Fatherhood

It has always been a weird desire of mine to be a father. I'll pick up secular and Christian books on being a good dad studying them to prepare myself for the future, be it God's will. Maybe it's because I felt that was something I missed growing up as a child. I think the reason why I've grown up & become old too fast was because I took on that role of father being the only male in my household when my father was absent in my childhood/teenage years.

After my time at Singing Waters I'm realizing now that you can't be a father unless you have first become a son. A father can't be a great father unless he has also been fathered himself. I never experienced truly what it meant to just be a son. I always felt I had to be father, to take care of my mother, my sisters, and those I was entrusted with in the ministry. The more I think about this issue, the more I believe what this generation needs is not another call to a greater destiny or work for God. Instead, what this generation needs is a great call to become sons and daughters of God. Sons who know they have what it takes because Daddy said so. Daughters who know they are worth fighting for because their Daddy gave them value. What this generation needs more than anything else are true spiritual fathers and mothers who will love them for who they are and not what they do.

Please pray with me that God would truly turn the hearts of the fathers and mothers to the children and the children to the fathers. Please pray that I would first understand that to prepare myself to be a good father in the future, I first have to live as an honored son.

Pressing through the Shame

I know I have not arrived, but I am pressing on to forget the things behind and moving forward to what lies ahead. Meaning, I know I can't do ministry, live my life, the way that I used to anymore. I can't just have a two week encounter & think that all is changed. Rather, I need to truly live out the transformation from slavery to sonship. To press through the shame of the past and press into the grace of God. Please pray for me. I am praying about my next steps and I sense I need to take a season of my life to simply "rest" in His presence, become normal again, stop acting so old and seriously stop and smell the flowers. I need time to process deeper the issues of my heart, my core identity and re-evaluate the motives for ministry. How this will look like, I really don't know, and that's ok. Haha…I don't know what's going on anymore, but God does and that's all that matters.

Thank you for your prayers, I would be gone without them. Without your love, your blessings, your friendship, I wouldn't have been able to find myself or the little that I have found. I am grateful for friends like you it means everything…GOD BLESS!

His son,