A Transformation of My Heart

From Slavery to Sonship – My encounter at Singing Waters, Canada

Aug 2, 2006

Dear family & friends,

It is only when we come to the end of ourselves that life begins to happen.



These past two weeks in Orangeville, Canada have deeply changed my perspective on life & the understanding of who I am. Before coming, God had already begun to bring me to the end of myself earlier in June. I had traveled to Australia to attend a Hill-song conference with my family and friends from Hong Kong. I went to the conference already burnt out from ministry, frustrated and ready to thrown in the towel. During the conference God spoke to me in a clear simple theme from each speaker, "the Christian walk is a marathon and not a sprint." Every main speaker somehow spoke about their own journey of reaching "burn out" in the ministry and how God got them out of it. From Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, Reinhardt Bonnke, Frank Damazio, Jentzen Franklin to Louie Giglio they all shared about the need to truly understand what it means to live in God's grace. I knew God was speaking to me about "slowing down" and learning to truly understand what it meant to live in His power and not my own. Coming back to California I was awakened to my need, but still without understanding of how to go about fixing it.

When I got back to California I had to coordinate our national leadership gathering for our ministry. God moved in power, but I was still running on the last bit of fuel I had in me to lead. I was desperate. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually I was completely drained from giving out in ministry. It had come to a point where I was at the end of my rope and if God didn't do a miracle I couldn't see how I could go on as "Jaeson Ma" the campus revivalist the public had come to know. I wanted to hide, tell the world I'm not who you think I am and hang up my hat. I felt like a hypocrite because I had been preaching a message of intimacy with God, yet I had lost my own intimacy with the Father from being so busy these past few years of itinerant ministry. Not only this, but I was struggling with my own issues of loneliness, temptation, rejection, pride and the fear of failure. I knew the enemy was trying to take me out for good. Honestly, I was scared and feeling as though there was no hope. I knew God loved me, but I didn't love myself.

In a desperate plea, I came to a ministry center called "Singing Waters" two weeks ago. A few friends of mine had told me how this ministry had radically changed their lives and restored their relationship with God. Even though my schedule & responsibilities would not allow me to take a break, I didn't care, it was either breakthrough or complete burn out. By faith, I bought a plane ticket and signed up for two summer courses they were offering at Singing Waters called, "The Father's Love & Transformation of the Heart." Taking these two courses was probably the best decision I have ever made, next to my decision to become born again. In a way, I seriously feel born again "again". These two weeks in Canada have changed my life forever.



In a nutshell, the ministry helped me understand how the Father sees me, how I am to see myself and to know who I am in the Father. Trust me, I've been through every inner healing and deliverance ministry, read all the books, ministered this type of ministry myself, preached on the Father's heart and our identity in Christ, but for so many years, it was mainly information and not revelation in my heart. After what I've experienced these past two weeks I can honestly & humbly say that the love of the Father is beginning to become revelation and not just head knowledge. I'm finally getting it…a little bit!

I want to cry because I can't express in words what I have experienced and am experiencing at this moment. There is joy in my heart, true joy, a joy that comes from deep down inside. It is secure, it is safe, it is peaceful and it is not contrived. I feel like the last 7 years of my born again experience was living a lie. Not that God is a liar, for it is impossible for Him to lie, but that I had believed a lie. I believed that "Jaeson Ma" had to perform for God, for others and for himself. I thought my heart intentions in ministry were for God's purposes, but deep down in my subconscious I was living my life not for God, but mostly for myself & out of fear. God is so gracious though, even in our immaturity He will bless us. His loves never changes for us. He is faithful even when we are faithless.

Good Things vs. the Best Thing

In my immaturity God still brought purpose to my life & blessed me with so many "good things" as His child. He gave me salvation, His presence, a sense of destiny, divine favor, spiritual gifts, prophetic encounters, revival breakthroughs on campuses and even a worldwide ministry. But what good is it to gain the whole world but forfeit your soul? You see, I valued God for what He could give me, but I didn't value God for who He was and what He desired most, to be my Father & friend.

Sometimes God gives us what we want to show us what we really need. God gave me "Christian" success because this is what I wanted. I thought it could earn His acceptance and I thought if I was successful in the Christian world's eyes I could accept myself. Yet, what good is it to do miracles, prophesy, have faith to move mountains & even have passion to be martyred for Christ if you do not have love? Many times we get caught up with the "good things" and forget the very "best thing." Friendship with God is most precious, but somehow I know it, but don't live it.

At the end of the day, I realized through my time in Canada that the reason why I was burning out, a workaholic, driven by the ministry, etc was because ultimately I saw myself as a failure. I saw myself as a slave, a servant, desperately trying daily to be more holy, more anointed, more this or more that in my own human strength to please God, others and myself. I was a people pleaser and a "me" pleaser. It was impossible to say "no" to ministry invitations or the demands of people wanting me to serve them with my gifts because I was deep down afraid they would not love me if I didn't say "yes". So I had to keep giving and giving, but you can only give so much. I was no longer serving God, but I was serving ministry because I was afraid of being rejected if I told people no. I strove for perfection in all things, because I was afraid what others would think of me if I failed.

My ministry became my identity. It was about what I did and how I did it for God. The weight of the ministry was on my shoulders daily because I had set upon myself a standard of perfection. I felt so tired everyday because in my mind I was obligated to keep up this public Christian leader persona, this image of impeccability and perfect holiness. I had traded grace for law, freedom for religion. I was overly responsible- a control freak with a messiah complex that said, "It all depends on "me" or else all will crumble." I thought I was indispensable, but I now know I'm not. Not even close. There is nothing I can do to add to God's work.

The more I failed in my own expectations that I put on myself the more I felt like I was a loser, I didn't have what it takes, and I wouldn't be able to finish the race God had called me to. This sent me into daily battles of depression, loneliness, fear and pain. I felt it was up to me to make it happen. How wrong I was.

Transformation of the Heart

At Singing Waters through the "Transformation of the Heart" teaching I began to understand how the different influences in life have shaped who I am and how I see myself. These influencers were my parents, authority figures, Asian culture, intimate relationships, generational lines, & life experiences. Each shaped my understanding of myself & through them I came to the conclusion that I was a spiritual failure in life. I thought I had to work and perform for others in order to prove that I was not a failure. Yet, I kept failing in my performance and this led me to shame.

Shame = there is something wrong with me, the wrongness of being, the focus is on yourself, I have to do something to make something right with me

It was not that I didn't believe that God loved me, liked me and desired relationship with me no matter how many times I failed. I knew God loved me no matter what. My problem wasn't with God, my problem was with myself. I didn't like "Jaeson Ma" and who I had become. I couldn't stand myself when I failed, gave into temptation, or was rejected by others. There was a deep seated root of rejection from my childhood that believed in the lie that in order to not feel rejected I had to prove myself, earn love, earn acceptance and show the world "Jaeson is special and loveable." This mentality didn't change after I got saved it carried into the ministry and all my relationships. I had a need to be needed because it gave me value. Therefore, ministry became my identity because it served my need to be significant and honored by others.

In my heart I really did love God, want to help people, desired revival, but it was motivated mainly out of a fear of rejection and not out of love. I felt I had to bring about revival, if not, I was a failure.

Through the course I learned I had formed some ungodly self-belief systems…

* I am a spiritual failure
* I don't have what it takes
* No one will really love me outside of my gifting
* There is nothing wrong with God, there is something wrong with me

These self beliefs formed my core identity. In which I believed that at the end of the day "Jaeson was a failure." In order to prove that I wasn't a failure I had to perform and work harder but this is no use when you already believe you are a failure, you have already lost the battle. I kept trying to maintain a false self-image (the super image) that said Jaeson must be: perfect, holy, successful, competent, intellectual, honorable, mature, faithful, in control, dependable, a good leader, provider, have it all together, always full of faith and never show weakness. The list could go on. The point is I could not maintain that "super-image" because when you aim for perfection, you will always come short. Therefore when I failed, I rejected myself and then believed others would reject me also. This threw me into bouts of self-hatred, feeling like a failure, a hypocrite, depression, bitterness and loneliness. With the ministry moving so fast and my public persona becoming more and more widespread, I was perfectly set up for failure.

So how did it all change?


Encountering the Truth of Who I Am

It changed when I encountered the truth of who I was. It changed when I realized why I am here? It changed when I saw how God saw me and I began to see it myself.

A breakthrough happened when I had my personal ministry appointment with the trained counselors during one of the afternoons. They helped me identify all my false self-belief systems and why I was experiencing the pain I was experiencing. It finally hit home when they asked me to ask the Holy Spirit to show me how I saw myself.

I saw a picture of a teenage boy chained to the corner of a room. He was malnourished, full of fear and completely tormented. It was painful to see. The boy was a slave locked up in a horrible prison.

Later, the counselors asked me to ask Holy Spirit how He saw me. As I asked the Holy Spirit to show me His view of me the first picture I saw was a cartoon baby, it looked like "little Jack Jack" from the movie "Incredibles" and he had his fist up to the sky like superman! I was shocked to see this picture. At that moment I knew what God was saying to me.



"Jaeson, you are not a slave, you are my son, you are not a failure & you have what it takes!"

One of the counselors then asked me, "Jaeson lets go back to the picture of the enslaved boy. If there was someone in the room trying to hurt him what would you do? I said, "I would knock him out!" The counselor asked why? I responded, "Because it's not fair, he can't defend himself and it's not his fault."

I then realized this is what Jesus would do for me…if I would let Him. We prayed and Jesus set me free. Like, free for real. Something at that point in me shifted, changed, transformed, I don't know how to explain it, but there was a freedom from shame and a hope for the future.

Living from Approval & Not for Approval

There is so much more to share. I learned so much, encountered so much, and was graced with so much. I've been listening to one of the teachings on the Father's Love nearly every morning. It's so awesome! I'm beginning to understand what it means to no longer be a slave, but a son. That there is nothing I can do to gain God's approval. There is nothing I can do to add to God's work. Our value has nothing to do with what we can do for Him, but our value is based upon what Jesus did for us. I failed and exchanged report cards with Jesus. He got all my F's and I got all His A's! He got what my deeds deserved, death on a cross. I got what His deeds deserved, to be seated with Christ in heavenly places.

I will no longer live for approval, but from approval. Ministry will no longer be my identity, my identity is in Christ. I'm not an apostle, I'm not a prophet I am a son! I am not a human doing, I am a human being! I am, therefore I do, not the other way around! I am free to be me and I can't fail because I have been accepted by my heavenly Father since the day I was born. I no longer have to be afraid of missing God's will or feeling like I have to make it happen. I can rest. I can truly rest in His sovereignty. I am learning that…

"Whether I take a nap or raise the dead…the pay is the same!" Bob Jones

I'm all smiles right now. Why? Because God values (honors, highly esteems, blesses, favors) me with the same value He placed on His Son Jesus. I am highly favored.


"I have given them the glory that you gave Me that they may be one as we are One!" John 17:22

Whoa. That is a radical statement! God loves me with the same love He loved Jesus with. That is mind boggling. I am a son of God and so are you His beloved son & daughter! We are His children created to receive the Father's love and to give it away. This is what life is all about.

Be like a Child & Remember to Remain Vulnerable

It's funny, but recently God has been speaking to me a lot through movies. In the last months I have watched a few films with the same theme or message. The movies were, Over the Hedge, Cars, Click, The Kid, and a few others that basically reminded me that life is not about how successful one is, how much work one gets accomplished, how much we perform, or how many titles we hold, but it's about "relationships." Life is about having fun & remaining vulnerable like children. It's about intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God and others. It's about trust and it's about enjoying life while giving away joy to all those around you. Sometimes in life we need to "slow down" or we will miss the true blessings. What are those blessings? It's your family, it's your friends it's the things that really matter.




























I made some of the best friends in only two weeks at Singing Waters. When I first got there I was freaking out because more than half of the people there for the summer courses were from Taiwan & China…and they all knew me because I had preached at their churches! I was like, "oh God get me out of here!" ahaha…but as I let down my guard, became vulnerable and like a child again, I had the most fun one could ever have. I'll never forget them. They truly understood me, accepted me in my brokenness and loved me for who I am. I met Daisy, goodness, this is the funniest warm hearted gal I've ever met! Her fun loving spirit really inspired me to become like a child again. I met Roberto, a sarcastic, funny old man from Switzerland that taught me how to joke and not be so serious. There were many others, the point being, it was one memorable experience with a community I'll never forget. Which reminded me of what life is all about…family.





















When I got to "Singing Waters" I told God in my journal, "I need a miracle or I don't think I'm going to make it." I really didn't think it would happen, but it did. God is faithful & I am in awe! The day before I left the leadership prayed me off with a blessing. One of them prophesied, "Jaeson today you become a son, JAE-SON, see it is in your name. You are no longer a servant, but a son and God's unstoppable blessings will be yours, for you are His, your name means "healer" for as you are healed you will heal many in your generation."



My 11:11 Purpose

Just before I left, I felt led to ask the workshop speaker to speak a blessing over me. They were teaching on the "Power of Blessing" and how words affect our lives even before our birth. I realized that when I was born, I was not only rejected by being almost aborted, but my name in Chinese was fought over by my parents. The middle character "cheng" had two meanings. My father wanted the "cheng" that was a political power word, because he wanted me to be a politician or one mighty in the world. My mother wanted "cheng" which was a word for "upright" or one who would walk in righteousness because she wanted me to become a minister for the Lord. At that moment I realized that for years I have been trying to live up to both my parent's expectations and was caught in trying to perform at both. But then I heard God saying to me, "You don't have to be either, you only have to be my son!" Those words set me free to be me. I was now ready to receive a blessing and the workshop speaker spoke the Aaronic blessing over my life.

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upone you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

I received it gladly and something special, peaceful was deposited in my spirit.

Lastly, as I was receiving the spoken blessing in His presence I remembered two special verses that came to my mind.

"After he had said this, he went on to tell them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up." John 11:11

"But after three and a half days a breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet, and terror struck those who saw them." Revelation 11:11

I was born on 11:11:1980. I always wondered why? During my time in Singing Waters the Holy Spirit not only showed me who I was, but also why I am here. I am called to be a "son of awakening" I felt a sudden conviction deep in my heart as the Holy Spirit reminded me of my 11:11 calling. It was His will that I be a voice to "awaken" this generation not only to God's power and purposes, but now into sonship. Let it be so Lord, let it be so according to Your will.

Preparing for Fatherhood

It has always been a weird desire of mine to be a father. I'll pick up secular and Christian books on being a good dad studying them to prepare myself for the future, be it God's will. Maybe it's because I felt that was something I missed growing up as a child. I think the reason why I've grown up & become old too fast was because I took on that role of father being the only male in my household when my father was absent in my childhood/teenage years.



After my time at Singing Waters I'm realizing now that you can't be a father unless you have first become a son. A father can't be a great father unless he has also been fathered himself. I never experienced truly what it meant to just be a son. I always felt I had to be father, to take care of my mother, my sisters, and those I was entrusted with in the ministry. The more I think about this issue, the more I believe what this generation needs is not another call to a greater destiny or work for God. Instead, what this generation needs is a great call to become sons and daughters of God. Sons who know they have what it takes because Daddy said so. Daughters who know they are worth fighting for because their Daddy gave them value. What this generation needs more than anything else are true spiritual fathers and mothers who will love them for who they are and not what they do.

Please pray with me that God would truly turn the hearts of the fathers and mothers to the children and the children to the fathers. Please pray that I would first understand that to prepare myself to be a good father in the future, I first have to live as an honored son.

Pressing through the Shame

I know I have not arrived, but I am pressing on to forget the things behind and moving forward to what lies ahead. Meaning, I know I can't do ministry, live my life, the way that I used to anymore. I can't just have a two week encounter & think that all is changed. Rather, I need to truly live out the transformation from slavery to sonship. To press through the shame of the past and press into the grace of God. Please pray for me. I am praying about my next steps and I sense I need to take a season of my life to simply "rest" in His presence, become normal again, stop acting so old and seriously stop and smell the flowers. I need time to process deeper the issues of my heart, my core identity and re-evaluate the motives for ministry. How this will look like, I really don't know, and that's ok. Haha…I don't know what's going on anymore, but God does and that's all that matters.

Thank you for your prayers, I would be gone without them. Without your love, your blessings, your friendship, I wouldn't have been able to find myself or the little that I have found. I am grateful for friends like you it means everything…GOD BLESS!

His son,

Jaeson

www.singingwaters.org

posted by Jaeson Ma @ 8/04/2006 09:12:00 AM