Thursday, November 27, 2003

I'm off to The Call Texas tomorrow morning. It will be a time
of prayer and fasting for 12 hours on Saturday. The focus
will be to pray for God's justice to be released upon this
generation, as we repent of Rode vs. Wade the court case
30 years ago that legalized abortion. Can you believe 40 million
babies have been aborted since 1970? Is it ironic, that I was
5 minutes from being aborted in Lubbock Texas 23 years ago,
and here I am 23 years later going back to Texas to repent
and take authority over this spirit of death that has stolen millions
of destinies in my generation. May God have the VICTORY!

This past month has been one of the most challenging and most
awakening months of my life. Honestly, I have been having
a pretty rough time with the acceptance of myself, my failures,
my insecurities, and the list goes on. I've never felt more dead
and more afraid to wake up in the morning. Its like each day
the Lord brings me to confront yet another fear, another issue
of pride or another encounter with rejection. I am a really broken
person right now, so much so, at times I want to give up and
throw in the towel because I am so dissapointed with myself.
Its like I know God loves me, even likes me, but sometimes I have
a hard time liking myself. As depressing as this sounds, I guess
this whole process of dying has made me come to realize a few
things.

After the death of my good friend Hanh I began to think about
what really matters in life. I've been so caught up with my wants,
desires, dreams achieved etc...that it's been like this never ending
cycle of success and failure. A roller coaster of unstable emotions
where one day I am excited about life and the next day I want to
end it all. Where I beat myself up over and over again for not
being perfect, for not being more successful or a better leader.
The focus has always been on my weakness, my life, my-self.

Through Hanh's life example and death I felt I've almost come
alive again. Here is a girl that lived a simple yet so significant
and meaningful life. She loved God and she loved people.
Why can't I do that? Why am I so caught up with my failures
and the pressure to perform to meet others and my own
expectations. What's really important is that I enjoy God
and enjoy the relationships He has given me. When I die
I don't want to look back realizing I was so busy with ministry
and work that I didn't have time to sit down for coffee with
a good friend or had some more meaningful conversations
with my mother, father, sisters, best friends. Jaeson why don't
you learn to live for today rather than always worrying about
what you can't do tomorrow? I pray Lord You will teach me to
be content with each day and faithful with what each day brings
me. I may never accomplish all the things that are in my heart
and in fact will probably fail 95% of them, but that is the wrong
standard to measure success. Teach me again to live in the
reality of success in Your kingdom. To simply love You and love
those You have given me and those whom have yet to know
Your love. Teach me, change me, mold me, break me, make
me a new creation.

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