i almost lost myself......

its been a while since i've written some random thots in this web log.
i guess you can say more or less things have been quite busy to say the least...
and i realized tonight interesting as it seems...i came back to sobriety..or maybe
realized again whats important in life...after watching a romantic chick flick by myself
on a friday night--- "you got mail." hrm...so i guess i'm weird..but i guess i've always
known that...but yeah i'm a guy who likes to watch romantic comedies on a friday
night by himself because i somehow enjoy that. what i'm trying to say is life has been
so "intense" so "busy" so full of "things to do" and "impending urgent missions" that
i've sort of lost a sense of "life" ...i dunno, maybe i'm not making any sense to you,
but i'm making sense to me. you see its easy for me to do BIG, GREAT, IMPORTANT
things in life...its easy for me to CONQUER, to FIGHT, to STAND UP, to LEAP OVER A WALL
and JUMP OVER A MOUNTAIN...cause i guess i'm made that way...or at least jaeson ma
is...and sometimes you lose track of life when all you do is fight, fight, fight, go, go, go,
win, win, win, strive, strive and strive to fight this good fight..to wage this good war..
but somehow i forget i guess..i forget who i'm fighting for...or more importantly i start
fighting for myself and forget the most important battle is my fight to ENJOY...to enjoy
this relationship with God which encompasses not only spending time in adoration with Him..
but also learning to Enjoy this life He has given me. i guess it can be difficult at times
for a guy wired like myself to say Lord..i don't need any more vision..i don't need anymore
battles...anymore challenges...anymore doors of opportunity to win great battles for you..
because what i really need right now is a light hearted movie that warms my heart, relaxes
my mind and encourages me to "like" the simple likeable things in life..meaning these doors,
these battles, these visions i'm intensely seeking to accomplish and chase after are not
the reason for living...are not my ulitmate purpose...more or less they are part of the purpose
but never meant to be "the" purpose..i think Father God justs wants me to "be" sometimes
and enjoy Him...enjoy life..enjoy the friendships He has given me..and not think too much,
too hard on these other things...i almost lost myself again..i almost turned into that driven,
die hard, go get em, fight till the bitter end..till i burn out ...succeed or fail...jaeson ..& don't mind
me that's good, but it must be balanced..it must be put in proper perspective...i need to slow
down and find the first place. the best thing, that which will not be taken away..once i find this..
and i pray i do one day..for good..and never let go from this place of intimate simplicity and
walking with the Lord..then i know i will be in a good place..a place that is free from fear,
fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of myself, fear of the future, striving to be something i already
am...a beloved. who cares really too much if tomorrow becomes or not, i need only rest in His
arms..watch a good chick flick..pray a bit...enjoy the blue skies...a good conversation..preach
a passionate sermon....enjoy my moms cooking...pray a prayer of revival...sleep...and be happy
its all meant to work together...i can't have one without the other..i guess i can though..if i were
to choose..i would choose ONE THING ..to be with my Father and to yeah..do a bunch of other
dorky weird stuff...but i'm sure the braveheart, wild adventurous side of me will continue to go on..
but again remember jaeson you will always have good and even great things to do..more than
i could ever imagine..and don't worry they will keep on coming knocking on your door begging
you to answer yes..but i need to remember..i must never..ever..lose myself to the things which
need to be done..i need but one thing..time with my Father that i may know what and which i
am to do...hmmm...this blog probably makes no sense to anyone out there but me..and God..hm..
n' maybe someone else .... thank You.

posted by Jaeson Ma @ 3/13/2004 12:13:00 AM