Thursday, October 09, 2008

Romance & Relationships (Part 3 - An Addendum)

This is the last post from my young but super wise friend Becky Hill on "Romance & Relationships" it's an addendum to the last post on God's Hand & Our Heart. I personally enjoyed this post very much, because it brought so much clarity on God's sovereignty in relationships and our personal response to His leading. I'm realizing more and more how love is free, it is a choice and it completely focused on the other not yourself. May God give us all grace and wisdom to walk out healthy relationships, especially with the opposite sex. Pray. Keep your heart pure. Follow God. Learn to love. Enjoy the journey! :D

Becky's Blog

As I’ve been talking to friends recently about some of the issues of R&R #3 coming up in their lives, I realized that I need to clarify a few things. There are two aspects to the formation of every romantic relationship: 1) the Lord’s sovereignty [God's hand], and 2) our choices [our heart]. You cannot exclusively operate in one or the other if you desire to walk in righteousness and wisdom in a relationship.

The Lord is faithful to give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). Though this does not mean that I will be answered if I ask for a Mercedes Benz, it does mean that He is concerned with the welfare and pleasure of His children. He loves to make us happy, but in the ultimate sense of the word instead of the temporary fix we’re used to. The reason there are countless stories of divine “hook ups” is because they’re real. The Lord knows who we are better than we do, and He also knows what will bring us into the greatest measure of love for Him, which are both dynamically apart of choosing a spouse. Though there is no Scripture that says, “I shall give thee thine perfect suite-mate,” there are a multitude of Biblical testimonies of the Lord’s kindness in providinga wife, a husband, or children to those who had lost hope for such things (to name a few: Sarah’s barrenness, Isaac’s loneliness, Jacob’s loneliness, Rachel’s barrenness, both Boaz and Ruth’s loneliness, Hannah’s barrenness, and the list goes on…). In Psalm 68:6, the Lord explicitly promises that He will set the lonely in families, so whatever expression that may take for each individual, it is nevertheless deeply on His heart. The only way forward is to trust, pray, wait, and delight yourself in Him with whatever circumstances He’s put you under. Bottom line–I actually believe that the Lord will provide a spouse to those who ask Him.

The other aspect of sovereignty is that there is a divine aspect to love. Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, & 8:4 all speak of not arousing or awakening love until it so desires, and that means that love is not mostly objective. There can be someone in your midst who simply seems perfect for you and everything “lines up” about you two (life calling, communication style, world view, personal interests, etc), but if the Lord doesn’t breathe on both of your hearts, it cannot work. This is what the Romans would call the arrow of Cupid, we modernly refer to it as chemistry, but whatever the case it’s actually valid. If you’ve ever instantly connected with someone and felt like you wanted to know everything about them, then you know what I’m talking about. If both parties don’t have this happen (preferably it’s progressive instead of instantaneous), you will not be able to have a healthy relationship. Do not try to force your heart or manipulate another’s heart to feel this; it is like trying to heat a wood stove from the outside instead of letting the fire burn within.

Many think that the Lord is going to force them to marry someone they don’t like or would never choose, simply to teach them humility or some horrible lesson like it. This is a lie. Though the Lord is sovereign in your life, He will simply put people in your path that He recommends as a future spouse and allows your heart to choose. He is sovereign, but He does not desire to be a dictator of human affection.

One of the reasons Paul commends singleness is to relieve those who feel the pressure of getting married, and to make them understand that it’s a bigger commitment than simple attraction. The choice aspect of relationships is where many Christians either ignore their responsibility to take action upon what the Lord sets before them (for an extended talk on this, see #1 of this series), or they are presumptuous and don’t even bring the person/situation before Him. We each have three basic choices in every possible relationship that should be decided by first asking a question:

1. Is it time for me to move forward into a romantic relationship unto marriage
or am I just lonely?
2. Do I enjoy this person and want to be with them more than another?
3. Do I have the same vision/values as this person and respect the way I’ve seen
them walk that out over the time I’ve known them?

If you’re attracted to someone, based upon how your heart of hearts answers these three questions along with some help and guidance from friends and Holy Spirit, you can actually choose to move forward into relationship unto marriage (here’s a few other tips). This means you then walk it out over time, get to know each other and be open to find that you were wrong about being together, use wisdom and the Sermon on the Mount, and be intentional to have other people in your life who will tell you if the relationship is bad. Your choice in the matter is crucial, for if you don’t choose then you’re not responsible (you can blame-shift your relational issues to the Lord instead of claiming the problems/pain and walking through them in righteousness). The beauty of love is in risk-taking, and risk is only real when you don’t know what the outcome will be. Messy is good for the sake of love, as long as it’s done with the Lord.

I hope this clarifies what I was getting at in my last post in the R&R series: it’s God’s hand that directs our lives and guards/opens our hearts, and it’s our hearts that respond and choose the way forward.



At 10/12/2008 12:15:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post.
Becky, Jaeson,
Could I ask that what's that boy means in pasted picture?
how do you interpret of that picture, please?


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