Sunday, December 25, 2005

Sanctify me...

Sanctify me…

Here I am…in that old place again…down on my face again.

Crying out…I want you to hear my plea, come down and rescue me.

How long will it take?

How long will I have to wait?

Cause all I want…is all you have…come to me rescue me fall on me with your love

And all You want, is all I have, come to me rescue me fall on me with Your love

Sanctify… I want to be set apart right to the very heart

Prophesy...


Dear Father…

Here I am again, another Christmas and another year has gone by. I honestly don’t understand it all. I feel like I’ve lost touch of you, I know I’ve been busy, I know I haven’t sat down and chatted in a while. Well, here I am writing down my thoughts and asking You for grace. You love me Father & I preach it, I believe it, but I wonder if I “know” it. I feel Your presence, I witness Your power, I’ve seen signs and wonders, I’ve seen Your hand of provision, yet something in my heart is still lost. Who am I Lord? I know that I am Your beloved son, I know that I have all authority and power over every serpent and scorpion, yet sometimes I don’t feel that way. Many times I feel weak, so weak I wonder why I was given these weaknesses. At the same time I’ve begun to learn to like myself, that is, liking who You have created me to be, yes with all the “too littles” and “too muches” of me. Why do I play these games, why do I play the face, why don’t I just tell the whole world I’m just as frail and just as weak as anyone else trying to live this life for You. Well, I guess I am.

I have one ambition, to get rid of all my ambitions. I don’t want to live for the dream, the tomorrow, the what if or could be, I’d rather just live a simple, faithful, existence that glorifies You, walks with You, talks with You, wonders with You and believes with You for all things. I’m tired of my flesh, my old self, the daily battles, the daily struggles, Satan…sometimes I get tired of fighting Father. I get tired of having to think of what other people have to think of me. I don’t want to live up to an image that is not real, an image that seems perfect, but if you get up close, how horrible it can look. Huh…but You see my heart, yes, you surely do. I love that about You. I love that even if I failed a million times over You would still smile at me, cherish me, pick me up in Your arms and call me Your wonderful son. How? I don’t get it, I love it, sometimes its this world I don’t love, the people in it can get agitating, but who is to say I am not just as agitating and bothersome and full of imperfections and faults? Here I go again, Lord, I want freedom, I want strength for the battles and I want peace from my enemies. Too many enemies, too many foes, too many demons, too much pressure and I think sometimes I will self destruct if I don’t get help from You Lord. Where are You Father? Where is the God of deliverance? Where is the God who can destroy all my foes with one word? Where is He? Is He in me? If He is…I’m lost in trying to figure out how to release and operate that power given. I wish others could understand some of the things I see, the things I face and the things I feel moment by moment. But not many do, I get blank stares and I’ll pray for you, I am thankful, but Lord why? Why was I given this ability to see, feel and touch all this darkness around me, all this light around me, all these things that I can’t even seem to understand. The spiritual warfare, the demonic assignments, the daily battles in the unseen…most of it would go away if I just spent more time basking in Your presence. The enemy can’t get me there, He can’t touch me when I wait upon Your presence, but these last few years its been a struggle to find that place again. How good those days were, how wonderful those times of basking in Your presence were. But now I seem to have this or that always striving for my attention, striving for my intimacy. I’ve been lost, in a whirlwind of activity, doing things for You and losing You in the midst of it. FORGIVE ME FATHER, OH FATHER FORGIVE ME. What have I become? I have become nothing more but a slave, a servant when You want more than anything else to be my Friend. Can it all be so simple? No more projects, no more strategies, no more latest and greatest, no more trends, no more prophecies, no more vision and dreams, no more, oh God, no more. I want You, I want to hide in a secret place and hear Your voice again. I don’t want to hear Your voice on the run, not on the plane, not because I’m about to minister, no, no and no. Please world, leave me alone, please leave me alone with my Father. Please don’t demand any more from me, I can only preach, prophesy and work wonders so much as I am in the Vine and He is in me, but I’ve lost that, I’ve lost that, I’ve lost my union and I need it back or this branch will die, it will wither and it will be no more.

Father deliver me, deliver me now, deliver me from my enemies and give me strength to love You once again. I’m 25, I don’t want to live the rest of my life as an orphan, I want to walk with You as Your son, I want to be set free from all the tasks, duties, prophecies over my life and dreams that I (Jaeson) desire to fulfill…Father fill me with YOU. YOU BE MY DREAM, YOU BE MY EVERYTHING, YOU BE MY ALL IN ALL, YOU CONSUME ME AND DESTROY ME AND RESURRECT ME TILL I AM UNRECOGNIZABLE, THAT THE WORLD MAY ONLY SEE YOU. No more me, no more people pleasing, no more ambition seeking, no more fleshly ministry, only that which is born out of the presence, the well, the river of living water. Break me down and pick me back up. I’m broken, broken as I could ever be and in the worlds eyes I may be a failure, in my own eyes I may be a failure, but in Your eyes, I am Your friend, You are my friend, You believe in me and You are standing by my side. But me, I pray I figure this out Lord. I have knowledge, but somehow the knowledge I am seeking still has not been revealed, there are still holes in my heart and cracks in my character, will I ever be perfect? In my eyes or the worlds, most likely never, but You never asked us to be perfect, You asked me to be HOLY as YOU ARE HOLY. That is, set apart, consecrated, wholly given to You and Your purposes and may the blood of Jesus cover the pain of my mistakes and the weaknesses of my flaws. Here I am, in that old place again, down on my face again, I need to pray again, fast again, not for any other reason, but to KNOW YOU MORE. I DON’T WANT ANYTHING LORD, BE MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT, ALL I WANT IS YOU…OR THAT IS MY PRAYER…THAT ALL I WANT WOULD BE YOU…from there, if I ever get there, I don’t know, but that is my one ambition, my aim, my goal in life, to know You more, not all this other stuff.

Thank you for the revelation of what is to come, the new wine, the new wineskins, the maturation of Your bride in these end days, its exciting, its challenging, its wonderful and mesmerizing, its radical, its spontaneous, its moving and its an adventure, its all good, but its all for NOTHING if it have not and carry not in its heart…love.

I just want to be more like You Jesus. I want to not want anything but what You want. Oh heaven, what a beautiful place that place will be in all its perfection…one day…that one day I look forward to. While I am here, while I have breath, while I have physical life, I will live and will fight for Your kingdom on earth, I will give all that I have, I will not give up, I will by Your grace, never give up. The enemy may throw his discouragements, his accusations, his ploys and plots, but I don’t care, I know You love me and I will live to love you even in my imperfection, even in my brokenness, even in my weakness and even in my pain and if I have nothing to give you, if the enemy takes away everything I could possibly use for Your glory, every talent, every gift, my physical health, my very voice, my hands and feet, I will still pray to You with my heart, put me in probation Devil, put me in jail, put me in sickness or near death but one thing I know I will always love my God and pray for His will to be established on the earth.

Father how beautiful You are. Holy is Your name.
Let Your kingdom come…Let Your perfect will be done
On this earth, where I am, in my heart…
As it is in heaven.
Give me this day Your friendship, Your presence, Your love
Overflowing in my heart.
And oh Father, forgive me of my sin, my painful sin that nails
You again and again to that Cross…forgive me Lord and
How could I not forgive others as You have freely forgiven me?
I forgive my enemies, my foes, even myself.
And lead me not into temptation, give me wisdom to discern the
Enemies ploys, keep me self controlled and always alert, give me
A holy hatred for evil, all evil, let me see it as You see it, that I may hate evil and cling to what is good.
Most of all keep me in Your presence, that I may be still and know the Lord always.
Deliver me from evil, I wait upon You Lord for Your deliverance daily.
For Yours is the Kingdom, You have the VICTORY, Yours is all the Power, the GLORY…Yes Lord fill the earth with Your GLORY from now until forever and ever!

Amen.

14 Comments:

At 12/26/2005 04:23:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pastor Jaeson,
May God give you help and strength.

God Bless
Zoey


Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

 
At 12/26/2005 06:27:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

amen!!!

 
At 12/26/2005 11:30:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jaeson:

I will pray for you!
You are not alone!


angela

 
At 12/26/2005 09:06:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Our life is a gift from GOD, what we do with that life is our gift to GOD."

Dear Pastor Jaeson,
Jesus loves you. We love you too.

Our Heavenly Father wants his children live well.
He welcomes us with his smile.
Let's wipe the tear and smile to Him.

"Why are you crushed down, O my soul?
And why are you troubled in me?
Put your hope in God; for I will again give him praise
who is my help and my God." (Psalm 42:11)

Jesus had a string of victories before 2000.
When we have Jesus in our life, we have no nothing to lost.

Love in Christ,
Angels in TPA

 
At 12/26/2005 09:59:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe the Lord spoke a word to me about this saying, “Go back to the beginning to where it first began and to the simplicity of me loving you and you loving me.” The key is being able to lay down were you are and go back.

 
At 12/26/2005 10:26:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, God has to throw a brick at us.

It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If God had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

God sends you flowers every spring.

God sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend -

God is crazy about you!

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without
sorrow,sun without rain, but God did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it

 
At 12/27/2005 12:19:00 AM , Anonymous millie said...

hey jaeson, i'm from efc houston if you remember visiting us =) we want to say HELLO!!

thank you for such honest and heartfelt posts. i'm so encouraged by your entries and just your openness about God and life. glory to God! alsooooo after reading this post i just wanna say i feel the same exact way right now...... all the things you're going through, maybe some to a lesser and some to a greater extent. i'm going crazy and everything around me too, but yes all i need and want right now is more of God, God Himself, to seek God and love Him all the days of my life........and not be distracted by all the little things around me.

know that God will give you victory and continue to be FAITHFUL in your life as He's been! i pray that the Holy Spirit will lead you back to where you're longing....amen. thanks for sharing!!!

 
At 12/27/2005 07:19:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

take heart :)
Jesus has such a huge destiny for you! continue to surrender it all unto Him. His power is made PERFECT in your weakness.
much love.

 
At 12/27/2005 11:25:00 PM , Anonymous alice:) said...

Pastor Jaeson

life is hard. life is hard hard hard hard hard. but there are flowers and there are trees. there is rain and fields and sky. there is you and there is me and there are better days ahead, my friend. there are other days to find. hang in there.

Keep Pray and Keep Fight

 
At 12/28/2005 09:36:00 PM , Blogger Karin said...

Jaeson,

Your sharing sounds like David's psalms. Thanks for being real - it's inspiring.

You're home now so take the opportunity to rest in His love and do the things that make you smile and laugh =). Remember that He will never leave nor forsake you. He will be found by you - and you will be restored!

Take care...Psalm 91

~Blessings & prayers from brothers/sisters @ UW Seattle

 
At 12/29/2005 12:18:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pastor Jaeson. thar really hit the spot. it's the same thing i've been crying these past few days...

God bless man. He will not fail us.

Sam

 
At 1/02/2006 03:53:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pastor Jaeson

Thanks for you sharing.

I am couraged and I really want

God Himself every day in this year.

It's my desire.

?said to Aaron, You shall have no inheritance in their land, neither shall you have any portion among them: I am your portion and your inheritance among the children of Israel.? Numbers 18:20

Ian,Taiwan

 
At 1/02/2006 02:16:00 PM , Anonymous Dennis Nguyen said...

Hello Jaeson,

after i read this,i was touch to see how much simular in our seeking. Is been really hard for me to try to put my heart on a piece of paper-but some how you done amazing job. I know that life is hard & through those hardships, we learn a valuable lesson and get close to our father more. Thank you for everythings bro & i'll keep you in my prayer.

your crazzy vietname/chinese brother

Dennis Nguyen

p.s we got our crazzyness from quoc : )

 
At 1/12/2006 10:21:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you God for letting me stumble onto this prayerful post. I saw you speak once.. n when I see you... all i see is the work of the Holy Spirit in you. seriously you glow under God's gracious light. press on. and thank you. your prayer has lifted me up.

-a sister in Christ

 

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