Thursday, May 15, 2003

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man,
I put away childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11

I don't know exactly what has been going on in my heart these last few days, but I do feel like I'm on the dawn
of a new beginning. It's hard to explain, but I'm realizing God is truly on my side. I guess it's kind of like this
old classic musical I watched last weekend called "The King and I" ..Here is this king who was trying so hard
to prove himself and his kingdom to be scientific etc etc etc. He hires an english teacher to teach his children
western culture and ends up learning from this "Miss Anna" how to be a caring human. The King is stubborn, irrational,
and proud~ the exact opposite of caring. Yet, in his heart he is truly trying his best to liken himself to the ways of
Miss Anna. In the end, he still comes up short from being perfect. But I think the moral behind the story is he did
attain perfection because "he tried his best."

I guess I find myself in the same boat. I have alot of hang ups, fears and insecurities, but that's OK. Why? Because
I'm beginning to accept the reality of my heart condition. I am truly trying my best to do all I that I can to be a man of
honor, a man of integrity, a man of God. Even if I never get there, at least I died trying. I think of King David and how
he struck out plenty of times, yet God still called him a "man after my own heart." It's good to know God judges me
by the motivation of my heart and not as much my actions.

It's ok to be not ok because God is OK. I need to learn to be OK with
myself even when I'm not perfect.

So what I think I am starting to understand is that I don't need to be afraid of my past. I don't need to be afraid
of becoming like my father because these are all lies from the enemy. It's like how in Matrix 2 your
future is not decided by prophecy, but its decided by your "choice." Prophecy is simply to help you undestand
the choice you have already predetermined in your heart to make. I can choose life or I can choose death.
No one can force me to become like my father, only myself~and I choose not to. Don't get me wrong, there
are many great things about my Dad I acknowledge and embrace. But, there are certain things not God
honoring that I choose not to follow.

Fear is never of God and this is something I must constantly remind myself of. Anytime you feel the fear
of rejection from family, friends, loved ones ~ know its of the enemy. Always think the best of others and always
think that others are thinking the best towards you. I know this is hypothetical, but isn't this what "love" is all
about? It counts no wrongs, it always hopes, it desires the best, it forgives and forgets? GOD LOVES ME!
ALL THE TIME! No matter what the world thinks, this one Truth remains constant.

I will make it I say! I don't know how, but God will see me through. The battle before me now is to be honest,
truthful and myself in all my relationships. This is the hardest thing sometimes, especially when you care
so much about what others think of you, because you genuinely care so much about them.
That is why I told my friend the other night, "You will think no higher of yourself than what the most important
person in your life thinks about you." As long as God is not the most important person in my life I will always
be subject to the liking and disliking of others. This can be dangerous because even the person you value the
most may not always love you the way you want them to. It is absolutely everything to know that you are God's beloved,
the one in whom He is well pleased.

Another thing I am learning~let go. In order to truly love you must let the one you love into the hands of God.
Love is free from control and always desires the best for the other, while expecting nothing in return. God's
love is the same. He loves us freely, continually, unconditionally, the same yesterday as He did today and as
He will tomorrow. Love is kind, it is gentle and it is free. It doesn't force itself on others, but it lets others be.

So again, I feel like a new dawn is beginning. I woke up this morning ready to enjoy the day. I left my fears
in the hands of Jesus and I gave Him all my wishes. I trust He knows what is best for me, that is why I give
Him my wishes, aspirations and dreams. There is no point in trying to manipulate your future when all
you have to do-is trust God that His will, will happen. That is faith. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I'm not
perfect, but I'll die trying. Be perfect as I am perfect, Be Holy as I am Holy. For it is not by might, nor by
power but by My Spirit.

In this life, you do all you can and you leave all that you can't up to God. How grateful I am for the friendship
of God and the friendship of friends. Beyond all the ministry and the mountains to be conquered, how
meaningless this life would be if I had no friends to conquer these mountains with? Life is not meant to be
lived half-hearted and life is not meant to be lived without friends. May my pride come down and the castles
of all my accomplishments crumble. Life is more than building cities and great castles, it was meant to
be lived out in love. This is something I am starting to understand~I pray Lord you will give me more time to
not only understand it, but to truly live it. Teach me how to be human like Christ. Help me not to waste one
friend nor companion. Only You Lord, only You truly know my heart.

in giving my best
I am satisfied.

U2~ in the name of love, one Man in
the name of love.


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