sooooooooooo the last few nights or last 4 days i have been coming home telling my mom "i think i'm going insane"
i've been telling my assistant michiko "i think i'm crazy" (she nods and agrees) :OP So Jaeson Ma must be losing
his noodles when he starts talking to himself about how NUTZ he must be. I just call it "too much too soon." You ever
have too much on your plate at once? I have- much too often. Try producing a major event in less than 14 days (where every
thing that could go wrong is going wrong) on top of that try thinking about building a team from scratch to start a possible
church in 21 days..on top of that i have a midterm coming up for my developmental pscyhchology class (still have hundreds of pages to study)
and of course meetings..meetings...and more meetings...everyone wants a piece of your time. Everyone also wants you
to do something. So many expectations, so much pressure, so much to produce, but only so much of Jaeson. =o(

So you have to discern the prophetic leading of God and also the principles of God's Word. Indeed, God does call His children
to do what is seemingly "impossible" or it wouldn't be God right? I feel totally inadequate, unable, not gifted as a leader and I don't
want to even do what I think God is telling me to do. (sounds like moses) But all the signs are pointing to "do something" NOW.
Principle would say, "No Jaeson you're doing too much too soon, if you go at this rate you're going to burn out and potentially
ruin your future..chill bro." Then I'm saying, "I just want to do God's will." (in the last 4 days i've literally wanted to give up, throw in
the towel and just shut down completely) I'm tired. sorry but its the honest truth. i'm not a super christian.

This morning I had another one of those "its a wonderful life" rude awakenings. For 5 days I've been calling this friend who promised
to print 50,000 flyers for the UNIVERSOUL event to send the remaining 40,000 to me. I couldn't get a hold of him day after day so I thought
he was trying to avoid giving me the rest of the flyers. I was totally stressing out and frustrated. Finally this morning I call him again and
he picks up. Turns out, on Sunday his entire family got in a car accident. They are all in critical condition in the hospital. He sounded
so alone and scared while explaining why he couldn't get me the flyers. He's not a church goer type but i asked if i could pray for
him. Reluctantly, he said okay and as I prayed the power of God touched him and he said, "Man seriously i feel like somethings lifted
from me..you know its crazy but i just watched that movie 10 commandments and the Jesus film this past sunday." I began to share
w/ him the unfailing love of Jesus Christ and I could hear a spring of "hope" come back in his voice. I then told him, "dood don't worry
about the flyers thats not important right now." he was relieved and i knew God was touching him w/ His love.

I then began to realize, why am i worrying about these stoopid flyers..when whats really important is this friend experiencing the
love of God? "No one is a failure who has close friends." There is nothing more important than being a light to those whom
God places before you each day to bless. Life is short and what matters most is loving God and loving others.

So yeah, I don't have it all together right now. I still think i'm crazy. I'm fighting false hopes by still trying to hold on to my
broken dreams. I'm fighting this "success syndrome" of success somehow equating with "BIGGER and BETTER"
yet sometimes I think i'm setting myself up for failure with this mind set. So how do i be content with the moment but also have
a healthy view of the future? I'm 22 and I'm in the office first in the morning and I'm the last one to leave at night...not healthy.
When i get home i'm grouchy and my sister thinks i have "pms" but that's impossible because i'm a dood. :OP

at the end of my rope i just cried out to God this morning asking God to speak and to encourage me. He did so
by sending *gifts* in the form of friends. Pastor Bryan, Pastor Keith, and Pastor Robert all came to pray and
listen to my confusion individually. Giving me love and advice like a Dad would give his son. :OD
i feel better now. I don't feel so pressured to "perform" and make something happen.
Maybe I'm not suppose to plant a church. maybe its just suppose to be a simple bible study and we'll see where it goes.
maybe i just need to get to sleep now...sleep till late on saturday...and then sleep some more...and then
find some time to just hang with Jesus with no other purpose than to just hang :OD good times!

peace..how i love that word. amen. good nite. wait..good morning?

posted by Jaeson Ma @ 4/26/2003 02:55:00 AM