Monday, September 05, 2005

A Desperate Cry for Mercy

I must confess, I haven't been in a consistent place of desperation, consecration and seeking God's presence. I've
become more busy than my own good. I preach a message of intimacy yet in the recent days its almost as if I've lost that very thing that I preach to the masses. Father have mercy on me. At times, I wonder, Lord would you take it all away? All the ministry, all the traveling, all the preaching, signs, wonders and miracles in order that I might have that one thing that is more important more critical than anything else. My mind has been distracted with many things. Many things that I know the enemy would have me rather focus on, rather than focus on Him and Him alone. There are many things in this world that are good, but not best. Ministry can be good, friendships can be good, being loved by others can be good, doing good to others can be good, but if you do all these things and do not have "love" an ever abiding love that comes from the very source of what it is, then its all for nothing. You will become sidetracked, you will lose your sense of worth, sense of direction and all will be lossed. I feel that way right now. I can't explain to you how amazed I am at what can still do through a broken vessel like myself. I just came back from Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan and in different cities in the US and I've seen with my very own eyes thousands of students set on fire with God's Spirit to transform their generation, it's awesome, it really is. But you know what, as amazing as as it is my heart can feel so empty at times. And I know why, its because I give and I give, yet I have failed to keep on receiving from the Well, the well of God's presence. I know if I keep on just doing what I'm doing, I'm headed for destruction, I don't say that in unbelief, but i say that in hopefully wisdom, to warn myself, Jaeson remember to tend to your own "garden" to your "heart" and never forget, Jesus, its all about Him, its all about being and walking and breathing Him, enjoying His presence, remaining in Him, or you will surely die. I wil be the branch that withers away, dried up and laid waste. I don't want to be that dead branch! Oh God have mercy on me! I want to be the branch that abides in You and bears much fruit.

Here I am Lord, tired, distracted, but willing to go back down the path of the very beginning. Intimacy that leads to everything else. Why am I so stupid at times Father? I know the key to all of life is simply sitting at Your feet and being with You. Everything will be fulfilled if I simply fufill this purpose. Yet, somehow my mind deceives me, it believes the lie that i have to answer that next email, I have to make that next meeting, I have to finish that next project, or that I am lonely and I need a companion or I need a pat on the shoulder or I need more help, all the help I need and can get is there provided for me daily in Your presence. Wake up Jaeson, wake up again to the simplicity of devotion to Christ.

Father this is a desperate cry, but take it away, take it all away, take away anything that would hinder love, anything that would keep me from the path of holiness and wholeness. Father make me a man of Your heart, Your will and one who would truly walk in Love and walk in the security of the Father's arms. I don't want to be an orphan in my mind anymore Lord, I want to walk as a son, as a bride as a friend of God who never ceases to smile and enjoy the presence of His Father. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, i'm like a little child, helpless without Daddy coming to save him, I need You more than ever Lord, hear my prayer, show me grace, show me mercy, without Your help I am heading for a road of destruction, but I know, You will hear my plea, You will answer the cry of my heart and I will do all of YOur will in my generation. I know I am less than perfect, i know you don't expect perfection, thank You for that, You know my heart, help me, get me there, get me to that place of perfect peace. no more distractions take away everything, everything that would keep me from having what is most needed, most important, most true and eternal. i desire righteousness, to be a man of integrity, faithfulness that i may be an example of Your life, Father whatever it takes I am willing, i don't know what that means, but do it Lord, whatever it takes to be with You, i'd lose it all just to have You again. I cry out in desperation for Your mercy once again to meet me in this hour of temptation. Give me grace to be faithful, to walk this journey out the way You would so desire.


At 9/05/2005 03:55:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

God is right there with you! But remember, our god gave us the CHOICE to whether focus on him or focus on this world! Think back to yourself: did your god ever let you down? The choice is in your hand, god is always there! Spend some quiet time with him, you'll figure out what to do!

At 9/05/2005 04:11:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Jaeson!...thank you for posting this entry...i am now convicted of something that I did not know was there...I was desperately praying to God for strength in the upcoming school year..that I may genuinely love everyone (friends,enemies, and new acquaintances) like the way Jesus loved..but one of my motives may have been to seek the approval of people more than my God...THANK YOU! for this made me aware of unintentional sin...

You are an amazing vessel Jaeson!..i need to keep encouraging you to do what you are doing. You are loved and are in our Lord's favor. May your life be overflowing with his LOVE.

God bless you brother!

At 9/05/2005 06:27:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

interesting. exactly how ive been feeling/doing the past couple of months.. i've been doing too much and have been very "distracted" as martha was.. to be like mary again.. its yet a known path, but a struggle..

thanks for sharing brother.. lets continue to seek His face together..

your sister in Christ, jayne =)
from grx college.

At 9/08/2005 05:47:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


I truly admire your honesty.
Perhaps the way you've felt lately is a reminder from the Lord that you need to cancel some engagements and take some time off to just be with your Daddy?

Best wishes,

Abe from UMD

At 9/15/2005 08:40:00 PM , Blogger pearl said...

"In a world of distractions, and constant complications, I come before You, in simple adoration-- to know that I am Yours, to sit at Your feet, to give You my heart--all of me."

It's a song I've been listening to recently. And yeah, at the end of the day...all that really matters is being in close communion with Jesus :) God bless, bro! I'm praying for you.

At 10/30/2005 02:28:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, I just randomly "fell" into your site...I cannot believe it. Whatever you just wrote is exactly what I'm going through right now. I know God is here but sometimes I don't know why I feel empty? I am saying it with all my heart. Today's message was that we look upon His face. There is victory in the Blood of Jesus. That will erase every emptiness. Plead His Blood and you will see what God can do for you. I need to pray harder. The end is very near. Christ is calling his selected few-those that are fully surrendered to Him. Yes, I want to be part of that group. We need to interceed for many others that they too will join us. I am speaking to myself first before it touches anyone else.
God Bless!


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